For I am the least of the apostles;
and not fit to be called an apostle,
because I persecuted the church of God.
I Corinthians 15:9
I know well this feeling of being least, of being unfit for this calling as disciple, wife and mother. After a day like Tuesday, in the stillness of the dark, in the quiet under the sheets I was so very disappointed in myself. Not because of unaccomplished tasks, let's be very clear about that. My heart that day boiled over ugliness and sin and I felt like the least among the Body of Christ. I felt like the child whose heart God cannot change. I felt like one who would always be small in the Kingdom, little beside the saints. This is no false humility, this is discouragement and hot tears and reaching for the Bible to find one verse,
For a day in Your courts is better than a thousand outside.
I would rather stand at the threshold of the house of my God,
than dwell in tents of wickedness.
I could hear the tune from the Psalter in my head as I started in verse 1. A Psalm of swelling adoration of the LORD of Hosts and tender reassurance lilting in the verses. My heart was in verse 10, I may never amount to anything in the kingdom of God, I may not be mighty or have the ear of God, but I would rather stand at the threshold of His house than anywhere else. I will stand, toes at the edge, heart yearning for Him and if I never amount to anything else that's good enough for me. Then I turned to John. Christ speaks to His own, to those longing to be satisfied by Him and promises,
All that the Father gives Me will come to Me,
and the one who comes to Me
I will certainly not cast out.
I turned out my light determined to love and obey, even if I am the least of His children. I turned out My light confident in Christ who has invited me to come and will not cast me out, He won't lose even me. We are agreed, we two, we both hold on.